deep in the ocean, there lies a wave for you

So this blog I like to read, Styledash, has a feature where they go “On Location” to “hip” places and take photos of people who’ve “got the look.” They commend ill-fated style choices. I hate it. But I want to make fun of the people and turn around the blurbs to suit my tastes. VOILA!
First of all, let’s go to OF COURSE the Barack Obama rally in Austin, TX and take a picture of d-bag with too much hair product.

The blurb that blogger Jonathon Morgan writes is: “This guy’s look is your standard hipster fare, but there are two points that are worth noting. One, the hair. Men’s hair has to go somewhere now that we’ve had it all messy and down in our faces for the last couple years. I’ve seen some guys growing it longer (ala mullet), but I definitely prefer this nod to the faux-hawk instead. Two, those pants! The comeback of black jeans is no surprise, but these are so skinny it’s unbelievable. Watch out for more men squeezing into ultra-slim-fit jeans in the months to come.”
If more men are going to be “squeezing into ultra-slim-fit jeans” in the months to come, I’m going to be slipping every man who weighs less than I do some Calteen bars. VERDICT: D-BAG!

OK, now we’re still at the same location, but we’ve picked a very unfortunate looking chick to profile.

The blurb reads: “At first this seems very straightforward — sweatshirt, shorts, and sandals — but this outfit is made in the details. Check out the extra ruffle at the shoulders, and the tight fit around the waist and cuffs. That, combined with the dash of blue shirt peeking out, creates a succinct, layered look that says “smart and trendy” without going full-blown hipster. Awesome.”
Um, what? Yeah, the ruffle sweatshirt is *OK* but it kind of looks like a modern Star Trek uniform. Plus, her shirt hanging out of the bottom is wrinkly and her entire ensemble gives her absolutely no bod. She looks like a potato sack. A potato sack wearing purple flip-flops. VERDICT: D-BAG!

And the biggest d-bag of them all … drumroll …
THIS GUY:

The blurb reads: “It’s nice when you find a hipster look that isn’t so over the top that you feel like you’re watching him go out of style in real time. For the dudes, there’s a few things to notice here. Check out the hat for starters — I’m normally not a big fan of hats in men, but I’ve seen this look with increasing frequency lately, and I think it works. Also, the jacket — this can be tricky. Most leather jackets make the wearer look like he’s trying way too hard, but the unique color, vintage look and slim fit of this one make it look cool without being too imposing. Lastly, the western shirt. I know, I took this in Austin, where cowboy chic is a cultural mainstay, but I have a feeling you’ll notice a country influence on scenesters and fashionistas wherever you find them.”
Another: um, what? A look that’s not over the top? This guy woke up in the morning and put a LEATHER JACKET over his loose-fitting cowboy shirt in AUSTIN, TEXAS. Plus, why is he wearing a hat? It makes him look even more homeless than his indie rock beard does. In the words of Demetri Martin, I WOULD touch him with a ten-foot poll. Or would I? VERDICT: BIGGEST D-BAG EVER!!!

Tags: douchebags | hipsters | styledash

Holy shit, Neko, NO, NO, NO! Even those disasters at the Oscars can’t save you now. You have no buffer. You are the buffer. Stop and go back, retrace your steps and take a new path, before I strike you from my top 5.

Credit: Kathryn Yu
“They’re gaucho pants; I got them on sale.”

Tags: neko case

I have recently taken in a number of films. Surprisingly, all of them I wished to ingest afterwards (not to poop them out, but so that they can become officially and forever ingrained in me). Usually there’s at least one craptastic mistake in there, but not so. Here is a rundown:

The Science of Sleep

First of all, Gael Garcia Bernal, put it in me. Second of all, the English chick in this film reminds me of my dear friend Caroline from the UK in that she is adorable and wiry thin and wears glasses. Stephane confuses his dreams with reality, something that I’ve experienced a lot lately as well. In waking up: wait, did I dream that, or did that really happen? I dream that I send angry emails to my boss at 9:30 about leaving me off the schedule. I dream that my friends slept over and prevented Chris and I from sleeping and when I woke up the next day, I was super tired on the way to work. Also, Cella called me last night to ask me if I was mad at her because she had a dream that I was. No, I’m not, and will never be, and also, wasn’t that an episode of Friends?

Marie Antoinette

After much pondering, I’ve found the perfect comparison for this movie: Gwen Stefani’s ‘Wind It Up.’ The song, when I first heard it, was a massive collision of weirdness and things that made me feel funny. Like, I don’t want to be reminded of The Sound of Music, OK? But then the sounds of the horse shoes clacking, the synthy beats behind the breakdown … mmm … now I can’t get enough! Gwen was like, fuck you guys, I loooove Julie Andrews and I’m going to make this song the way I want to. I feel that Sophia did the same thing, like, hey, I like these bands, I like these designers, I like this cinematographer, and shit, I got permission to film at Versailles! I’m gonna make a movie! Total style, about half substance, and I don’t care. I’m going to now compose my movie soundtrack to be used at a later date when I come across millions of dollars and make a modern film about, oh, I don’t know, President Taft.

The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie

Bunuel takes some of my favorite paintings of all time — La Conditione Humaine, The Enigma of the Hour, A Little Night Music, and Cut with the Kitchen Knife — and sets them in motion. Bunuel’s imagery is less nighmarish and more fantastic than these examples, more Magritte and Duchamp in its absurdity. The entire film is based around events where this group of rich and needy friends schedule get-togethers that always fail. A new disturbance always occurs to prevent them from eating or having affairs during periods specifically designated for those events. It’s brilliant. Italian and Belgian and French surrealism, you are my favorite.

Tags: marie antoinette |the science of sleep | bunuel | surrealism |

Cella and I have decided that the public wants to know — nay, they NEED to know — who fits on our lists of the top 5 celebrities we’d currently like to bone. So, in no particular order (except for the number one spot), here they are:

Justin Timberlake

Hi. Duh. For a minute there, I felt guilty trying to think of other men who I wouldn’t mind reaching around my nether regions. It was slightly akin to adultery.

Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin makes jokes that I like. My favorite example: “I bought a dictionary, and the first thing I did was look up the word ‘dictionary.’ It said: ‘You’re an asshole’.” *swoon*

Sufjan Stevens

He’s apparently Christian. Whatever, keep posing for photos like this, Soof, and I’ll keep wanting to corrupt you. Only he could make me wanna bone with a song about cancer.

Justin Theroux

We saw his heiny in ‘Six Feet Under,’ and he’s worked with David Lynch. I know we’d share a post-coital smokerette and brood together.

Louis Theroux

Louie is the goofier and English cousin of Justin. I love his feigned innocence. He’s totally got a dirty soul.

In other news, QueerSighted is up and I’m officially blogging and I wrote a tribute to the real and only person I want to bone, Chris.

Tags: justin timberlake | sufjan stevens | demetri martin | justin theroux | louie theroux | queersighted

My homage to Pulp was featured on Spinner.com this week here.

The new AOL Gay and Lesbian, QueerSighted, launched this week, and I am an official blogger! See it here.

A *ahem* sexy pic of me in the bathtub is here.

And this week’s top five will be … *drumroll* … top 5 shows ever (in no particular order)! Post yours in the comments.
1. Jon Brion at Largo, summer 2005.
2. Rufus Wainwright at the Electric Factory, Poses tour 2002.
3. DFA1979 at the Black Cat, spring 2005.
4. Franz Ferdinand at Brixton Academy, 2004.
5. Elliott Smith at the Trocadero, 2003.

Tabs: top five | spinner | queersighted

You cannot not pick one of these options. The only other option is death, and I had to use that ONCE because Alyson pinned the grossest person alive against my brother. NO DEATH ALLOWED.

Would you rather bone …

TOP CHEF
or

GROSS-OUT FEST
or

ULTIMATE WOOF
or

Tags: would you rather | valentines day

Friday night I worked the Jonathan Richman show, and he first popped up at the window around 4:30 p.m. “Hello!” he said, looking as teensy and squeezable as ever. “HIII! HOW ARE YOU!?” I said, possibly scaring him. The people at the club who did know who he is made fun of me, and those who didn’t know of him immediately liked him after they saw his set.

Chris and I spent a great day wandering around museum corridors yesterday. First we saw the Josephine Baker exhibit at the National Portrait Gallery, and we also perused the Hall of Presidents. Man, that painting of Bill Clinton is aces. Other highlights included the Taft portrait and the Giacometti-like sculpture of George H.W. Bush.

Then we went to Les Halles and I ate this delicious pork and creamy mashed potatoes and Stella.

AND the premiere of “What Goes Around Comes Around” came into my life exclusively through iTunes on Friday. Thank you, Jesus.

The moral of the story is: if you cheat on Justin Timberlake, you’re going to die in a horrible, flaming car wreck. And I can live with that.

Tags: justin timberlake |les halles |jonathan richman

I’m done hearing about Anna Nicole. Best Week Ever tried to call out Gawker for being “insensitive” about it. I love you, Best Week Ever blog, but CUB OD. They called out the “obit” (which I thought was brilliantly executed) as insensitive. Sensitive?! We’re supposed to be SENSITIVE about this?
Read the Gawker.
Read the Best Week Ever.
I can’t believe this took up hours and hours of CNN and MSNBC yesterday and that conspiracies are still circulating now. I’m a big fan of the idea that no human life is worth more or less than any other’s, but human lives that were then “equal” to ANS’s are being lost every day in many places. And no one cares.

But I LOVE AMANDA:
SalamandaP (2:03:29 PM): so anna nicole.
SalamandaP (2:03:43 PM): this WHOLE time i thought she was dating the REAL howard stern.

Here are some things that I believe the general public can agree upon:
1. James Blunt sucks a fat one.
2. “Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing” is a good quote. It applies to a lot of higher-ups who irritate me. It also applies to my life philosophy, as I am a very open person. Especially in matters that can be classified as “TMI.”
3. Donatella Versace needs to shut her mouth. That may not even be possible anymore, however, because her face is so tight. Well, then, put an effin lid on it.
4. Anything Damon Albarn touches is bound to be awesome. The fact that The Good, the Bad and the Queen are coming to the 9:30 makes me giddy.

4. This looks divine. I have to stop ogling it or I’ll drool on my work keyboard.

Tags: damon albarn | james blunt| food porn

OHHH MYYY GOD.
There’s less than a week til the premiere of this video. I don’t know if I can last that long.

Tags: justin |timberlake |what goes around