deep in the ocean, there lies a wave for you

This Sunday would have been (is?) Clark’s 34th birthday. Two years ago, I wanted to do something really special for him. I wasn’t very close with the boys yet, but I sent them an email at the beginning of the month asking if they’d be in town for some sort of celebration involving meat, not knowing that every single one of them is a vegetarian (a fact of which I’m now very aware). I somehow charmed each band member into coming AND into bringing their girlfriends. I ended up getting drunk and spoiling the surprise for Clark a few days beforehand, and then BCC’ed him on an email reminder to the fellas, to which he REPLIED ALL “so stoked.” So the secret was out that I can’t keep a secret.

We all got dressed up and ate mussels and steak and drank Stella and at the end, Clark told me it was the best birthday he’d ever had. He couldn’t believe that I pulled something like that together, and that everybody came!  It’s so odd to me that Clark couldn’t understand why people would want to celebrate him.

Then last year, we were so hungover from the Blade Christmas party that we did absolutely NOTHING for his birthday, but at that point, he preferred it that way. We were post-IL2 hell at that point, and his whole body was wiped. A night of drinking with the gays put him out of commission for a few days. Here we are at Town on December 19, 2008, where we drank our weight in (free) gin and won porn in a raffle. Clark attempted to have a substantive conversation with a drag queen in an effort to “fit in.” I walked over to their interaction just in time to hear him ask her what she was doing for the holidays. She looked confused. His effort was so adorable.

So, how is this weekend supposed to be? How am I supposed to be this weekend? Last night I went to Cafe Japone for karaoke with my ladyfriends and drained three bottles of wine before singing Justin Timberlake, duetting with Jessie for a song from “Rent” (I know.), and belting out a Taylor Swift, for Clark. He loved her, even on his deathbed, and asked me to play him this video on the computer about three weeks before he died. I never thought hearing a Taylor Swift song would inspire such an emotional reaction in me, but shit. I’m not even going to try to see what happens if I listen to that song. Luckily, they had other selections, so I sang this.

Tonight we’re snowed in, but I’m considering a trip to the grocery store to get a head start on the things I’m making for tomorrow night’s dinner. All of us are getting together to have a birthday party. The thought of making a cake gets me too choked up, so I think I will make these cookies instead.