These phases are scary. We’re entering the one in which I sometimes have trouble breathing.
It’s almost been six months, and now more than ever it feels like it was yesterday. It’s very literally all I can think about. I had a conversation with my friend at the club the other day. She lost her mom unexpectedly to cancer a few months before I lost C. She mentioned specifically that afterward, she acted more normally than she expected, not even pretending that everything was fine but tricking her own brain into working that way by busying herself and surrounding herself with people. Months later, when others expected her to act normally based on the fact that more time had passed, she couldn’t. I feel like that’s exactly where I am. Maybe it’s the holidays, another change in season, but more than that I think it’s the slow seep of reality. Each day has its constant reminders no matter how long its been since June. This month is Christmas and his birthday and with those another flood of memories that constantly swirl in my head. Someone said to me the other day, I can’t wait until after the holidays and for this year to be over, but the exact date on the calendar is totally insignificant.
Maybe it’s better that I don’t have many responsibilities right now and my job ended when it did. I get up, go to the gym, go to yoga, eat, job search, drink coffee. I look forward to work at the club because it’s forced interaction with people I love. And I guess there’s nothing I’m able to do to change things for now.
