deep in the ocean, there lies a wave for you

I’ve been forming a blog entry in my head about how lately I’ve been feeling really excited about the future for the first time in a long, long while. I signed up to take a class called FemEx (the Female Experience), where a bunch of women get together to talk about sexuality and body image and issues that affect the ladies. People said they share things about themselves in this setting that they haven’t told their closest friends or family members, which obviously made me want to do it, along with the fact that I’ll learn things from my classmates’ stories of their experiences. I’m also forming an idea of what I want to be when I grow up, which involves going back to school, and which will probably happen in 2012. But I feel really positive because I’m not spending hours reading through Clark and my old Gchat conversations, I’m looking up master’s programs. Plotting baby steps on my course. And I feel like I finally have a grip on how Clark will shape the rest of my life, and it doesn’t involve nursing school (which I previously thought had to happen).

But I woke up this morning after an intensely vivid dream in which Clark was alive and visiting me. I felt the bumps on his thighs and thought, well, it’s been over a year and these have barely spread! He must be OK, and the cancer hasn’t grown. And Clark kept saying he had to go and catch his overnight flight home, which in my dreams is, apparently, somewhere abroad? “Can’t you just stay here so we can hold each other for a while?” I asked him, word for word. And I woke up crying, and now I’m having the kind of day where I face the reality that I will never see him again and I can’t really handle how much I miss him and everything feels like a gigantic mess.