good newsSeptember 30, 2011
I am turning my story into a book, really for real. I’ve set aside time and started working on it. Guess what? It’s hard.
I am in such a good place right now. Even before Clark died, I was never this sure of who I am. I know what I want and what I’m capable of achieving. But … reading old emails from a time when that was so not the case is painful and embarrassing! Here’s a bit I sent to Cella a week or two after I met Clark:
“And then there’s clark. who is bad news bears. he picked me up at the black cat, he’s 31, divorced, FUCKING HOT AS HELL, and is the lead singer of a DC band. he calls me once every five days or so, we get drunk, have sex, eat and watch movies. then he ignores me. if i could count on
him, he’d be my favorite, but he’s totally dicking me around. at least i’m aware of it, and, well, have other options.”
It’s hard to imagine a time where the contents of that email were the truth!
I am so very different, which is such a relief, but man.
I’m also dating someone whom I care about so much. He is overwhelmingly wonderful. I’m reading through old journal entries and notes I emailed to myself, and here’s one from April:
Subject: Dream 4/15/11
Body: This morning I woke up after a dream in which I had just met a person whom I was attracted to, and he liked me back. There were three occasions on which we saw each other in the dream, and on the second one he hugged me and said, “I missed you so much!” He was blond, tall, handsome and shy. He didn’t look like Clark, but I think it was just like when Clark and I first met. Katie Volin was there, and witnessed when he said the thing about missing me. I felt in love with him in the dream, and I felt that he loved me, too. I felt sad all day about it, and looked at men on the street to see if I felt a spark of attraction to them. I didn’t, but I feel this, “He’s out there!” in my body. A sad longing for the theoretical him.
Bridesmaids reference time!
Helen: Oh, she certainly enjoys playing tennis now. It’s funny how people change, isn’t it?
Annie: Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. Do people really change?
Helen: Mmm. I think they do.
Annie: Yeah. But I mean like, still stay who they are, pretty much.
Helen: I think we change all the time.
Annie: I think we stay the same, but grow I guess, a little bit.
Helen: I think if you’re growing, then you’re changing.
Annie: But I mean we’re changing from who we are, which we always stay as.
Helen: Not really. I don’t think so.
Annie: I think so.
Helen: I don’t.